Beauty in Tension - BONUS

Last year the question that kept coming back to me was, “what is the point? What is the point to life and what is the point to creation/humanity when it’s all going to end anyway?” I would wake up thinking about these questions, go to bed thinking about them and all day in between.

Part of what was causing these questions were the experiences we were in and the fact that so many people I knew were going through so much loss.

My husband and I have been pursuing stability for our family and still haven’t settled on something long term.

A friend from high school died in terrible car crash in Nepal. His older brother was driving and his younger brother was a passenger in the back. They survived.

A couple months prior, another acquaintance lost his life in an accident driving home to his wife and seven year-old daughter.

A few months after that, a friend lost her brother to a very complicated case of pneumonia right around thanksgiving. They spent the holiday at the hospital hoping for their 26 year old son/brother to pull through the infections. He didn’t make it.

Around the same time, I read about a friend from college losing her husband in a sudden health issue. Reading about her loss was devastating for me. She has four children and was living in a country far from her family. Her story ran through my head over and over. It made me question everything so much more. How could life just end like that, so suddenly, leaving broken threads behind?

I began listening to Ecclesiastes around this time. It articulated what I was feeling. This tension of life and death, of joy and sorrow, of wealth and poverty, of health and sickness: is there even anything to hope for at the end of it all?

The verse that stuck with me was Ecclesiastes 3:12 - “I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live.”

In the midst of all this tension and not knowing whether everything is all in vain or for naught, I began to realize, “I can choose to create joy even in the smallest of ways.”

This has given me a new focus, where I can now see that I don’t need to focus on the future. I need to focus on the now and how my actions are a reflection of the past and can give direction for the future. More often than not, I’m learning to live with tension instead of always seeking to resolve it. Does it ever really get resolved? Maybe not. In the meantime, I choose to create joy, even in the smallest of ways.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything

to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something

unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability—

and that it may take a very long time...

...Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give Our Lord the benefit of believing

that his hand is leading you,

and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself

in suspense and incomplete.

—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

excerpted from Hearts on Fire

Meal: There are so many meals that bring me joy. Today I want to share with you a How to Charcuterie because this meal is a fun for all kinda meal.

Song: Hard To Be by David Bazan (album Curse Your Branches)

Prayer:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next.

Amen.

Time: It should be fairly easy (at least here in the west) to buy some acrylic paints and canvas and a few brushes. Pick some colors that you like or go on pinterest and look for color palettes (It makes it easier to see which combination you might like). Then pour dots of paint directly on to the canvas in a random order. When you begin to brush strokes into the paint you’ll begin to see which direction you want to go with the paint.

The feel of the brush smoothing the paint onto the canvas is a very soothing feeling to me. It is in that moment that I feel a release of whatever tension I have been holding on to. And at the end of that time I have something of beauty that I can choose to share with others or keep for myself.

Beauty in Tension - Wk 4

THE COMMON YEAR – BEAUTY IN TENSION

WORD:

I sat in bed cross-legged, Bible resting on my lap, and tears streaming down my face — a release of sorts — simultaneously anger, confusion, and even relief.

I was reading about a group of young men out at sea that found themselves in the middle of a massive storm. Waves crashing into the boat, ready to envelop them at any moment. Fear palpable, I’m sure of it. Out of desperation, they wake their one friend who somehow managed to sleep through this traumatic chaos. “Don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” they cry out in raw desperation.

Drown. That’s what was happening. Surely, I was about to drown. “Don’t you care that I’m going to drown?” In a season that scripture seemed incapable of sticking in my mind, these words, in contrast, struck something deep within me. These men, Jesus’ disciples, gave words to the inner turmoil I’d been wrestling with. Not only were they terrified but they felt abandoned by The One whom they trusted.

This season of my life was repeatedly marked by wondering if I too had been abandoned by The One I trusted. Lonely, confused, and consumed with the tension within me — a wondering, yet urged to persist and trust. Hearing the word “tension” evokes images of wood beams bent to cracks and splinters. We often feel this same fracturing in our hearts and souls. At this time, I’d been surrounded by circumstances contributing to painful and uncomfortable tension — affecting my inner self, just like those wood beams, to the almost-breaking-point. Tension within a relationship, a circumstance, or any other form tends to make us squirm, and this is only amplified when we read and hear about a God who is “supposed” to offer joy and peace.

As a believer in Jesus, I’ve come to find that faith is filled with far more tension than I’m typically comfortable with. It’s almost never black and white but some shade of gray, which often makes us uneasy. Jesus, on the other hand, seemed very comfortable with this in-between tension. He was at ease enough to sleep in the midst of a fierce storm, one that created immense tension for his friends around him. When the hemorrhaging woman broke laws to experience his healing touch, Jesus actually drew more attention to this tension, calling out this woman for what she had done in front of a crowd. And maybe the most extreme moment of tension is when Jesus prayed in the garden, in such distress that he sweat droplets of blood, begging his Father to save him from this tragic death he was soon to face. Yet in his pleading, he sat in this unbearable place of desperately wanting one outcome, yet fully submitting to another that he was dreading to his core. All moments that seemed black and white to his community, he viewed as gray.

Another way we regularly experience “tension” is when we encounter an artistic work — we see opposing elements coming together to create a single piece. This beautiful art form is made possible only through opposing forces at work.  We see this idea of tension in music, design, story-telling, and other creative outlets. Consider The Greatest Showman (and if you haven’t seen this movie yet, stop right now and go watch it). Without the turmoil Barnum experiences regarding fame, his friends’ self-acceptance wouldn’t have been solidified to the same degree. Without this tension, it may hold beauty, but we’re able to experience it to greater depths from the tension created by opposing forces. And not unlike this counter-intuitive perspective, something strangely beautiful is created when Jesus willingly enters into tension, as he readily chooses to do every time. The waves and wind that induced crippling fear are replaced with calmness that inevitably evokes awe.  The broken, forgotten woman experiences not only physical but wholistic healing, being reinstated into her community. And the hopeless death on a cross Jesus faced was transformed into unimaginable hope for the whole of humanity.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing this gut-wrenching tension. Mine was rooted in fear of being abandoned by the God I trusted, against the promise of his presence. Without this storm and the overwhelming fear it produced, I would’ve missed the beauty and awe that came once the storm was calmed. Our years, seasons, and moments of tension may not play out how we expect them. But I trust that as Jesus stepped into some of the messiest stories in his lifetime, he continues to enter into our internal and external tensions. Through the confusion, hurt, and weariness, he is weaving together something wonderful; therefore, without tension, we’d miss the beautiful work he solidifies through it.

MEAL:

I live in the tension of loving food and hating to cook Because of this, I’m obsessed with the convenience and delicious meals prepared in my Instapot. Quick, simple, and always delicious, it eases my dislike of cooking every time. My favorite is chicken tortilla(less) soup: http://40aprons.com/whole30-instant-pot-chicken-tortilla-less-soup-paleo/.

MUSIC:

A Prayer, Kings Kaleidoscope — includes some explicit language, but tackles the tension of deeply seeded fear and truth in a vulnerable and honest way.

PRAYER:

Apophatic prayer — an ancient style of contemplative prayer that breaks down our limited understanding of God, beautifully expressing tensions within both language and faith.

The Liturgists lead listeners through an apophatic prayer: https://open.spotify.com/track/0pcLKAZlOWmUBoCNJBn1AM?si=64Mx7RmHRGWVFUfcHFsoKw.

Like most spiritual practices, apophatic prayer on its own is insufficient and can be frustrating — it’s unlike many forms of prayer! Yet I challenge us to humbly and open-handedly approach this prayer, trusting what the Holy Spirit wants to do through it.

TIME:

Acknowledge areas of tension in your life currently. Write them down, go for a walk, share them with a confidant — simply give yourself space to fully bring them to light. Naming something is inexplicably powerful. It won’t fix it, but fear starts to lose its grip when we call it by name.

Beauty in Tension - Wk 3

Word:

Human beings are wired to anticipate. We are wired to worry. We are wired to see the worst case scenarios flash before our eyes before we take that first step that may lead us to that place we have always wanted to be. This is a God-given gift for our our safety and self-preservation. Without the fight or flight response, our ancestors would not have survived, and we wouldn’t be here today.

We are also wired to have that desire to find that place where only we fit, the role that only you or I were made to fulfill. We are wired for purpose. We often view our inner tensions in a purely negative light. We pathologize our inner tension as maladaptive and try to push it away. We ignore it. When they become a big enough problem, we may act out or medicate them. We ignore those voices inside of ourselves that are telling us how amazing we can be by surrendering to the fear that we can never be “enough.”

I know I’ve done this. I’ve suffered with clinical anxiety for years; I’ve worn all of its ugly masks, crying, hiding, avoiding, and living in a constant state of panic and fear. I am a musician and have had many performances ruined by my uncontrollable shaky hands and choked-up voice. I’ve run off stage. I’ve cursed myself. Blame myself. Seen myself as less than even good. But, what really is tension? Is it really a devil to be avoided? Is comfort truly good and discomfort truly bad?

After two decades of this, and a lot of emotional and spiritual work, I had the epiphany that the inner tension is not a curse. It is a gift. It is meant to be the fuel to our fire to push each one of us into the unknown. I found that when I began to see tension as a part of life and accept it for what it is, a temporary state. I was able to harness it, to use that adrenaline to focus. In doing so, I am able to actually perform better, not worse. When I accept the tension and allow the music to flow through me, I allow myself to be what God intends, a vessel for lifting up others and telling the stories of those who can not tell their own.

Music is a temporal art; it happens in real-time. Music brings stories, images, and feelings to life by harnessing tension. It is up to me, to each of us, to harness the tensions of our own lives to sing the song only our lives can sing.

Meal:

Tea is the perfect antidote to a stressful day. Steeping tea is a meditative process. There are many ceremonial ways for serving tea such as the Japanese practice Cha Dao or “The Way of Tea” and Kung Fu or “Hard Work” tea Chinese ceremony. Herbal tea is not tea in the traditional sense, but the process of making it can be approached with the same mindful attitude. Lavender, chamomile, and lemon balm are all known to be naturally calming. Sip them together or blended with your favorite black or green tea.

Lavender Herbal Tea

1 teaspoon culinary lavender flowers

1 teaspoon chamomile flowers

2 tablespoons fresh lemon balm leaves

Bring eight ounces of fresh water to a boil. Let the water cool for two minutes before pouring over the leaves and flowers. Let steep for five to ten minutes. Serve your tea with a teaspoon or two or honey if you like, or make an herbal latte with frothed almond milk.

Music:

I encourage you to listen to non-musical sounds as music. Listen to where the tension builds and where the sound reaches resting points. How does that build a story? Tension and release is how music creates concrete images in our mind. As the song builds are mind and body respond. We experience relief after the music reaches its climax and releases the tension. How does this happen? Sometimes the tempo changes; sometimes it’s the notes the composer or songwriter chose. It could be the volume or instrument choices. Listen to the sound of traffic; hear the way the tires interact with the pavement. Listen to the wind through the trees; hear how the movement of the leaves create percussive sounds. Listen to non-musical sounds this way. Hear the symphony around us everyday.

Prayer:

I am grateful for the tense times in my life. I know that I am being molded into who I need to be to live a purpose-filled life through my trials and tribulations.  I am thankful that I am able to be here now and use this opportunity to create a better world. Without tension, there is only stasis and that does not lead to change. I may not always respond in the best way during tense periods, but I know that God is on my side and I allow myself grace.

Time:

While your tea steeps, take this time to reflect (and not judge) your responses to the tensions you face in your daily life. What are you doing right? What needs to change? Take the time to fairly evaluate where you are.

–Janae Jean Almen

contact: janaejean@me.com, www.janaejean.com, www.perennialmusicandarts.com, Instagram @janaejean, Twitter @janaejeanmusic

Beauty in Tension - Wk 2

Word:

Upon hearing the words “Oh, and I cheated on you…”, during a walk mid-April three years ago, my world as I knew it and the life I had spent so many years building and creating, fell apart. In an instant, everything changed. Reality was not what I had thought it to be.

In the months to follow, as I struggled to understand, grasping for hope and reconciliation in the midst of the chaos and new truths being brought to light, I found myself thrust into a world of uncertainty, having to deal with things I never thought would be part of my story.

As I struggled and dealt with the uncertainty, betrayal, loss, grief, anger, desperation - and six months later, divorce - I found myself fighting with defiant hope, striving to not lose myself in the midst of life’s storms. There were days I mustered all the strength I had just to go to work and make it through the day without bursting into tears. There were days where it felt as though nothing had changed. I would find myself talking, sharing a meal, and laughing with friends.

The truth is, when I caught myself feeling happy during those times, I began to feel guilty. Shouldn’t I be sad all the time? I mean, my life is falling apart, how can I be laughing right now? This can’t be okay…is this okay?

But in allowing myself to feel all of the emotions, no matter how seemingly polarized they were, I began to see the beauty within the tension. We were not created to be robots. Being present and allowing ourselves to truly feel whatever it is we may be feeling in a present moment is a beautiful gift.

It is okay to fall to the ground sobbing uncontrollably, feeling the piercing dagger of betrayal, and the next afternoon to be playing games with a group of friends while laughing to the point of tears.

What do we do with these seemingly polarized feelings and emotions? How do we cope? How do we hold them together at the same time? The tension is here.

This is where life is lived. And this is where we have the choice to push through, to carry on, to live in the in-between and to invite others to come alongside us and to enter into the cave of uncertainty with us, in search of the infinite beauty to be found here.

We all live with pain and hurt, joy and pleasure. We may have or may be experiencing grief, sorrow, betrayal, loss, anguish, despair, anger, uncertain circumstances and intermingled and woven within, somehow experience happiness, joy, contentment, love, goodness, and even inexplicable peace.

The difficult task we have all been granted, is to lean in and feel the tension of this gloriously messy life, and to seek to find the beauty within.

Meal:

During this tense time, I struggled to want to continue to eat healthy while at the same time wanting food that brought some sort of comfort. I also lived in the tension of wanting to eat alone, and wanting to be around people and share a meal. One meal that I often found myself making, and sometimes making at friend’s apartments with them, was Zucchini Lasagna. Even friends who may otherwise not have enjoyed lasagna made with zucchini instead of pasta, enjoyed the meal!

I always modified the recipe, as I don’t do dairy, and added Italian sausage and olives, but I encourage you to make it however you see fit, and share it with people in your life and community who are there with you, living in the tension and seeking the beauty alongside you.

http://thekittchen.com/zucchini-lasagna-with-bolognese-sauce/

Music:

Two songs I found myself listening to and singing over and over during this time:

Even When It Hurts, by Hillsong United- https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg

Your Love is Strong, by Jon Foreman- https://youtu.be/G-g4uwQlXKw

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, we need you. We love you.

Be with us in the times of uncertainty and sorrow.

Be with us in the times of joy and rejoicing.

Help us in the times of sorrowful joy, to be present and to fully feel the tension that is found here. May we press into you, and into community, knowing that even in the darkest and tensest of times, your love and presence radiates an undying light.

Teach us to hold the seemingly polarized feelings and emotions together, as we lean into you and those you have placed in community with us.

Thank you for showing us how to live life within the tension, and to see the beauty that may be found here.

Amen.

Time:

I encourage you to take some time this week, to allow yourself to be still and fully feel whatever it is you may be feeling. In a society that tells us to “suck it up” and “go it alone”, we often lack truly experiencing the tension of holding and feeling joy and pain together. We may be okay feeling these on our own, but I encourage you to ask a close friend or group of friends to sit with you in whatever you may be going through, and allow them to enter and feel and pray with you in this tension. Entering the tension with community is a truly beautiful gift.

Beauty in Tension - Wk 1

Word:

Tension is, by its nature, uncomfortable. Pull two ends of a string and you create tension both in the string as it stretches and in your hands as the string pulls away from you. When we grow into adulthood, our bones lengthen, pulling muscles and causing growing pains; uncomfortable but necessary. However, if tension were merely uncomfortable, why do we also seek it out? We resign ourselves to the unavoidable tensions of growing up but we also take pleasure in the tensions of our favorite television shows and movies.

Tension on film is similar to the example with the string - it’s about pulling and stretching. Filmmakers pull your emotions until you can feel it in your chest or the pit of your stomach. It’s different from suspense which is how much you care about what happens next in a story. Tension is how much you care about what happens to the characters in a story. Filmmakers know how to make you care and then they use your emotions to keep you engaged. Sure, it’s manipulation, but a kind we enjoy. Why?

Humans are a social species. We didn’t evolve to live in isolation. Some people, myself included, are introverts who enjoy and need their alone time but we still require social interaction. With people, come problems. “Where there are no oxen, the stable is clean.”

Tension is a force that wants resolution. When you hold both ends of a string and pull at one end, it pulls your other hand along with equal force. A film’s tension will usually peak at the climax then release, freeing you from its pull. Socially, we can experience tension when we care about people. This kind of tension is resolved through interaction and communication. We evolved to care about one another. Tension is an indicator that something is wrong and the only way to resolve it is to be a part of each other’s lives.

Therein lies the beauty of tension. It exists to unite. It’s a stretching that pulls us together. It’s uncomfortable by design so that it’s difficult to ignore. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Resolving it does so much more. Films, like all good stories, provide catharsis, a release of pent-up emotions. Relieving the tension between yourself and a loved-one is a truly healing experience.  

Time:

Examine your relationships. Odds are, you already know at least one person with whom there’s tension. It’s not always possible to remove that tension. Sometimes it isn’t wise or safe to attempt a resolution on your own. But tension wants resolution. Decide what relational tension in your life is worth resolving, then do it. Matthew 5:23-24, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

Music:

Most songs build to a climax. That is, they increase tension to a crescendo then release it. I think the following two songs do it beautifully. Carl Orff’s O Fortuna from his cantata Carmina Burana, and Maurice Ravel’s Bolero.

Meal:

If you decide to take up the challenge proposed in “Time”, then perhaps a meal will serve your needs. Meeting someone over food can be disarming. We all eat. Maybe eating that person’s favorite food will disarm them further and reduce the tension. Humans have long connected over food, from our days roasting meat over fire. It’s where story has its beginnings, where we learned the importance of tension and resolution in storytelling. It was the first movie theater where we watched the fire cast shadows into cave walls. Sharing a meal with someone is intimate and powerful.

Prayer:

Thank you for tension, Jesus. Thank you for drawing our attention to the areas of our lives that need it. Thank you for the strength to admit where there’s tension and the strength to address it. Thank you also for the discernment to decide which tensions to try and resolve. Thank you that you are the God of resolutions and that you provided the ultimate resolution to the tension between life and death.

Rayne Warne