I use to think that I would spend the rest of my living in my brokenness. But now I know that Jesus desires for me to join in the restoration of my heart.
I remember the day my grandfather died. I’d awoke early in the morning in the same bed that my grandpa and grandmother had slept in for longer than I could remember. I could hear my mother crying from the living room. It was just the night before that we were at the nursing home sitting next to his bed. No words, no eye contact, just simply looking at a man who was once strong now bedridden. Hearing my mom cry I felt helpless, I felt scared, and honestly in some ways angry.
This wasn’t the first time I’d felt those feelings.
The weather outside was overcast, rainy, honestly far from pleasant. I don’t exactly remember what age I was or what day of the week it was, but my dad was visiting my sister and I for the first time in what felt like years. It was just my dad and I was we drove back to my mom’s house. He kept drilling me with math questions, the whole time I kept getting them wrong. Eventually my dad got fed up with me to the point where he said he would make me walk home. It’s funny how well we remember these kind of moments.
It was only a couple hours later that I was standing on the front porch holding my moms hand watching as my dad drove away. Even thinking about it now there’s a level of sadness and anger I feel for that younger version of myself. As I look back at the story of my life I see how this one event has affected me throughout the rest of my life.
This is why I’ve had such unrealistic expectation for myself.
This is why I’ve never felt good enough.
This is why I’ve never allowed myself to be angry.
This is why I’ve felt that no one would ever accept me for who I am.
Now I’m not here to give you some magical formula to make your life instantly better. And I’m not saying that I’m done processing through all of these stories. But what I want to do is share a couple things I’ve learned so far.
Restoration is a process.
A process that involves a lot of vulnerability, kindness, and grace for not only yourself but the people who have caused you harm.
It involves a lot of patience.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that it’s a process that is not done alone.
Having friends who can help you process is so important.
And not just trying to give you advice (there is a time and place for that) but actually reflecting your story back to you and helping you process.
At our core we all desire to know and to be known. To care and to be cared for. To love and to be loved.
For the longest time I was never comfortable with blessing those desires. I felt unworthy of being loved by someone for who I was.
The road to here has not been easy. But I’m glad for where I’m at now and where I’m moving towards. I’m at a point where I can bless my desire to be known and cared for by someone.
The invitation that Jesus has given us to join the restoration of all things means all things. Which means your story doesn’t end with the hardships that you’ve experienced or the way life is now.
“Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” - 2 Corinthians 13:11
I am a sucker for burgers.
And this recipe here is well worth trying!
Pluto - Sleeping At Last
Jesus, we come to you now for our hearts to be renewed in you, restored in you, and to receive your grace and mercy.
We ask for you to show us the areas in our lives which desire restoration, and healing that only you can provide.
Allow us to rest in the finished work of your cross, death, burial, and resurrection.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
I’ve found that journaling has been a very fruitful way for me to process my life. Sometimes it’s about my childhood, other times it’s about what’s happening in my life, and sometimes it’s about nothing really related to either. Regardless it’s been a great way of spending my time.